Throwback - High School

Setting: Conard High School 1988-1993, West Hartford, CT

I started off freshman year of high school with my older sister as a senior. We were both on the tennis team, she had lots of friends and I had a few that carried over from middle school. After she graduated I found myself very alone, one friend, Jon, used to come sit with me in the cafeteria. I did not mind sitting alone, but it was nice to have him notice. Over time, and with his support, I got up the nerve to talk to a table full of skater boys who did goofy things like pile up milk cartons to the cafeteria ceiling. Birthdays were still announced on the loud speaker, so I took the opportunity to introduce myself to one of them, Jeff, on his birthday. Jeff had dated a friend of mine in middle school, so we were not complete strangers. He was to become my rock from that day forward. He is probably the only reason I survived high school.

I spent most days in high school numb. I was a straight A student, filled any free space with extra classes, and avoided people at all costs. I had a group of summer friends that were always the light at the end of the tunnel of my high school days. I focused on that light and leaned on Jeff to get me through the rest. I joined the outing club, founded by a new earth science teacher that was later dismissed from teaching. He would drive us up to his property in Massachusetts on weekends and we would set up camp and spend days exploring around in the woods. The entire club consisted of me, Jeff, and Jeff's close friends. It was a fantastic escape and I finally felt somewhat connected.

I maintained tennis and my grades so nobody figured out I was depressed. I cried myself to sleep and dreaded mostly everything. I fasted for days to see what it would do, I remember barely making down the hallway at school as the lockers waved in and out alongside me after not eating for three days. I fantasized someone would be able to tell, but nobody ever figured me out. After my sophomore year I concentrated on snowboarding all winter, it took me far away from the high school walls and culture. Friday and Saturday nights the slopes were open until 1am and I was there. I felt alive and free outside on the mountain. I often met up with my summer friends who recharged my energy and spirits.

By senior year I discovered what kids were calling Goth. From that moment on, I embraced black. I met other depressed kids and realized being a loner could be cool. I pulled back even further, but at the same time was newly embraced for being what was now considered cool. I discovered combat boots, art, writing, hair dye, and music. It was a few more years after high school before my depression was treated, but I am fortunate to say I am one of the survivors. Honestly, high school almost killed me.