In the beginning we were giggly. I was fresh from college, living downtown, landed a full time job in the curatorial department of a museum. Life was dreamy. He was older, wore fitted pants, few kites, and called me cute names.
In the middle we were still mostly giggly. We took road
trips, ate ice-cream with sprinkles, chased butterfly migrations, and watched
old movies. Every now and then he would disappear for a night, or show up a few
hours late, but it never amounted to much, and it certainly wasn’t often. We
were together every day, he called every lunch time, and he emailed cute e-cards
from Blue Mountain daily at 3pm.
In the end it turned out he was addicted to crack. Somehow
he fit a double life in-between the life I saw, and the life he lived. Somewhere,
in the fissures, between the moments, there was time for crack. I was
embarrassed not to know. I dropped him at rehab and over the next few weeks the
so very many lies started to ooze from floor boards and trickle in through
phone calls and loose ends. There were just so many lies.
I never picked him up from rehab. After two years together
it ended at a brick wall, me tossing him a duffel bag and telling him to call
his sister for a ride when he was ready to go. I needed to preserve myself.
Twelve years later, eleven years after he married one of the
women, who worked at the rehab, I am still waiting for him to complete step 8.
I don’t care if it is technically NA and not AA, but I want my apology. For
years afterward I wondered when it would come, how it would be delivered, and
nothing happened. I dreamed of the punch I’d plant in his face, the door I’d
slam, the anger that would finally go away, and the doorbell never rang. I
figure I’d probably end up being friendly and happy to have it over with, this
step 8, which promises: he will have
made a list of all persons he had harmed, and become willing to make amends to
them all. Heck, maybe he’d just hand me a check, $700 would be nice, and I’d feel
much better.
Well now the
fucker has cancer, and the still hurt part of me hopes he dies. That will make
amends, finally.
Deep are the scars
I carry from this battle that was not technically even mine.
I wish you could get your apology. Heartbreaking to have invested so much into a relationship only to be left with pain and lies. I like the way you structured the piece. You drew me in and I hope you can find some peace with the whole thing, even if he never delivers your much deserved apology.
ReplyDeleteI tried to start off the writing so that the result would be a surprise to the reader, as it was to me. I don't think he'll ever get around to an apology, heck, he probably thinks it is somehow my fault.
DeleteThis is a well written and powerful piece. I had a similar relationship. In many ways it sucked, but it taught me a lot about myself. I hope you are able to find what you need.
ReplyDeleteKaren
I am hoping all I need is to write this and voila, I'll put it to rest, forever. That could work, right?
DeleteThis is a really well done piece of writing. It starts in a place you dont really expect to turn where it does. I hope you find peace with this. Addictions are ugly and full of betrayal. Im sorry you still have to deal with this on some level...its a terrible hurt.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest fear is that someday my children will be addicts (God, I hope not) and I will finally have to see this chapter through to the end. I had the freedom to leave, had this been my son, daughter, brother, or parent - walking away would most likely not work. I hate that he hasn't proved to me that he made it to "Step 8", or thought it not important enough to act on.
DeleteWell, as someone who has been through the steps (and not in defense of not doing step 8), step 9 says don't make verbal or physical amends if you think it will hurt or make it worse for the other person. Any chance that could be the case?
DeleteFYI that includes if you think just seeing you or having to react to you is somehow too much for the other person.
DeleteNaw, I can't think of any reason why step 9 would cancel out step 8 on my side. I am sure he could think of something though - real or imagined. Friends see him all the time, why I haven't "bumped" into him is a little strange at this point. I imagine we'd just nod and carry on.
DeleteAwww thats a bummer then. His mistake. You sound ready to move on. I just came back because I read something else on sobriety and was thinking of how uncomfortable this has to be for you. Im sorry it worked out this way. Best to you.
Deleteuck. UCK. I was expecting something, just not crack. and certainly not cancer. i'm so sorry for the hurt.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Crack was a shocker for me too!
DeleteI understand your anger. I've been researching addiction for a future post. Addiction is a sickness. Would you want to punch someone because they had cancer? Lying about one's addiction is often part of the disease.
ReplyDeleteYes, sometimes I have wanted to punch someone because they had cancer. Luckily for them, I am an extremely non violent person, the type that moves worms off the sidewalk so they don't get crushed. I know what the research says, I know lying is part of the addiction, but honestly, knowing it doesn't change what I feel. Sometimes lying is just lying. And for a grown man who is now "born again" and happily married, maybe a some apologies along his route to happiness could have kept the cancer away. Maybe. Sickness, addiction, personality disorder, cancer whatever he had or still has, or has recovered from... this piece is about me finally getting my punch by acknowledging that I still kind of want it, twelve years later.
DeleteI know many addicts who never make it that far. They relapse, or give up on their steps, or do them at the pace of a herd of turtles. The wreckage they leave behind is devastating. That's why it's such an ugly disease. I'm so sorry you had to be on the receiving end.
ReplyDeletewow. i wasn't expecting any that, i was drawn in by the giggles and ice cream. i can only imagine the kick in the head you must have felt... damn.
ReplyDeleteAddicts are so tough. They show all sorts of potential, but because they are broken they will break you if you try and fix them. Good thing you got away when you did!
ReplyDeleteYes, the load of things I did not write about above had me fairly convinced I wasn't going to fix this. I am happy to have had the strength to put him in a safe place and get out.
DeleteDoina, as my fellow commenters have stated this piece is...powerful. I'm so sorry to hear of the hurt, anger and pain you're still dealing with. I hope you get the apology you deserve or at the very least, can find a way to begin to heal through your writing. This piece seems like it's a great first start.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I do feel better already! I have stopped and started writing about this quite a few times, it was always too caught up in details, so it feels good to get it out without too much purging.
DeleteI know all about awaiting apologies, and I know too well that they rarely ever come. This was beautifully and powerfully written, and I hope it helps bring you closure. After years and years, I finally have learned that forgiveness is not so much something you give the other person as much as it is a gift to yourself. It sounds like he sucked enough of your life away that he doesn't deserve the time and energy to matter in your life now. Having said that, I know just how hard getting to that point is... Maybe someday i will be brave enough to write about my own battles. Your story brought me to tears.
ReplyDeleteI hope you do find a way to write about your journey. Sometimes I find that the things we lock up inside are so connected to the experiences of others that holding them within is often self defeating. I don't think I really need an apology - I just sort of want one, and I don't even know why. Thank you for your understanding, I am sorry you too have experience with the subject.
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